Lost in a storm

Pitch black
I was lost
Lost in a storm
Couldn’t see where I was heading
I was in uncharted waters

In the eye of the storm it didn’t feel like a storm
There was a comfortable tension
And day after day the goal was keeping it taught

Being a ballast
Always struggling tugging pulling
This way and that
Navigating the storm
I was in the storm for so long
All the effort felt safe, felt normal
Until it didn’t
Then the exhaustion welled up
I collapsed in a heap not understanding
With these all too familiar sayings ringing in my head
“Is this all there is?”
“There’s got to be a better way.”

Like reaching the top of the mountain
and seeing the breathtaking vision
but realizing you lost yourself along the way.

Letting go of the struggle started off very slow
First I just did less and less
And waited

Sometimes I waited a long time
For something to happen that called me back to deck
Back into action

And then I waited again
In that waiting I started to hear the call of myself
The buried self long forgotten
Another crash
Called to action
But I was a bit different
Something shifted ever so slightly
The other crew members noticed
I was becoming less and less concerned about maintaining equilibrium
I was becoming more and more curious about navigating differently
I was seeing more clearly
The storm isn’t that bad
I stopped being a ballast
I began to question my programming, my role.
Why was i a ballast
Was the ballasting I was doing correct
Was I helping
What was I accomplishing

The more I questioned
The less i did
Which caused the captain and crew to not be happy with me
What was going on with me, they were curious
Why are you acting like this
Are you depressed? Are you Mad?
As in crazy
Was I?
I was definitely navigating uncharted territory
Leading into a storm of a different kind

The change of heading
The different tactics
Caused me to realize the captain and crew didn’t trust me
They trusted the previous condition
They status quo
My value to them was lost

I’m really lost now
I haven’t found me yet
And now I’ve lost their faith
Who am I? What am I doing?
These thoughts crashed so loudly as waves in the night

Uncharted waters
I lean into my faith and surrender
It only takes a few days
In the distance, ever so faint
I see it
I see a small light
I set a course