Founder Why

Here's what I wrote back in August of 2022 as to my why: 

Explore how to touch and be touched appropriately for the various levels of intimacy we share with our fellow humans. Platonic and sexual. Family and friends. Because these desires are part of us and exist at the root of our creativity and connection.  We are physical beings. That is how we are made. 

• To understand when we are being loved and when we are being abused.
  
• To voice our wants and needs, and especially our no thank yous
• To experience deep connections
• To love our whole self
• To normalize understanding our physical desires
• To reduce the shameful feelings associated with physical urges
• Because if we repress them we get sick with mental illness, addiction, aggression, acting out, eating disorders, etc.

Healing touch.  

I was raised in the Mormon religion by a single Mom and without siblings living with us.  Religious dogma closed me off from understanding all the physical urges I experienced.  I remember rubbing myself on pillows or scooting to the edge of the bed and putting my legs up and wriggling around until this thing happened that was idk what, but it was nice.  It seemed natural. One time my Mom walked in on me, I was maybe 10 years old.  She had me come into the living room and explain what I was doing.  I told her I just wiggle around till it feels good and then its over.  She told me that was bad and to never do it again. That was of the devil and I was a sinner. Well, I didn't stop 100% but now I feel guilty.  She didn't explain what was actually happening or what it was that was occurring.  Just simply, don't do that. I never thought I was a bad person until church doctrine told me I was. It was mental trauma that has plagued my intimate relationships.

A teenage cousin used my 6 year old self to suck his dick and play with my vagina. I liked it. He wasn't mean or abusive. I didn't know what was happening was actually inappropriate touching. I was curious. I didn't turn away if I found dirty magazines at a family members house. I didn't look away at a chance to sneak a peak at a man changing clothes at a party just out of view. 

I'm fortunate I wasn't taken advantage of in more abusive ways. 

One day in like 8th grade, a group of girlfriends where talking about boys and crushes. One of them asked if anyone had ever seen a man's privates.  I blurted out, I have and I've even touched one. They were shocked. As was I. The memory of that encounter from my childhood came flooding back.  I was horrified. I'm definitely being cast into outer darkness now.

Turns out that happened before I was baptised, so whew, I'm saved. 

As I started dating at 16 years of age, I was boy crazy.  I had crushes and would drive by their houses. I loved making out and cuddling on the couch, watching a movie. These were amazing luxuries that were available to me now.  Those familiar feelings would rise up. A couple boyfriends really wanted to go all the way but I resisted. Cuz I was a good girl and saving myself for marriage.  Ugh how I wanted to though. 

I became a sinner living a righteous lie.

I married young, surprise, surprise.  Only a few weeks after my 17th birthday actually.  I fell madly in love.  He had just turned 22.  We made out and it was amazing. One time, making out and rubbing around fully clothed, I had one of those things happen.  It was only then that it was apparent that I had an orgasm! Oh, my, I've been having these since I was a kid!  What a realisation. The catalyst for getting actually married was because I simply could not allow myself to succumb to intercourse without being married. Now I was safe in my marriage to explore sex and sexual urges.  And a willing man, to help me get over some of those layers of dogma.  I was still very vanilla and certain things took a lot of patience and coaxing. 

Ultimately, my first helped me to get comfortable and natural with my body and sexual intimacy.  As well, as helping me address some of those early traumas that plagued me.

There is a willingness now to share these things and open up the conversations to continue to evolve this personal relationship with my self and my body.  To understand discernment and congruence.